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The White House Historian, scared s***less by the spike in effigy sales, penned the following top secret picture-memo and personally delivered it to the president, who happened to be going number two in that little speakeasy bathroom behind one of the wood panels in the oval office.
The historian, a talented drawer, quickly learned that memos with too many words frustrated the president to no end. In this particular case, the historian was also quite terrified of being hanged, drawn, and quartered if he drew an accurate rending of the two-headed Trumpstein Demon effigy. So he opted for a sort of allegorical approach, presenting the storefront of an effigy shop in colonial America during the revolutionary period.
He hoped the president might register some connection, some sort of parallel between what was happening back then to what was happening now. Maybe he’d even see just a tiny, little bit of himself in the three figures presented in the picture-memo: King George III, Benedict Arnold, and a Witch.
Big ugly mistake. Here’s a color photocopy of the actual memo:
TOP SECRET POTUS MEMORANDUM
Though the President fixated on the word “KING,” he was completely befuddled — and out of toilet paper.
DeepCover, our trusted source inside White House Sewer & Drain, managed to retrieve the poop-soiled memo after a 3-hour hands-and-knees search in the belly of the swamp (nearly overflowing and oh-so-far from drained).
“I haven’t been this smuckered in s*** since I stunt-doubled for Tim Robbins in the sewer tunnel escape scene in Shawshank Redemption.”
Neither has America.
Indivisible, MoveOn, NoKings, etc.: What do we want? Neighborhood effigy parties! When do we want them? NOW!
LFG!!!
